ZOIG - Amateur homemade porn message board, amateur sex talk and discussion. Search for posted by wandbwells69

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Why semen doesn't taste sweet


In a Biology class, the professor was discussing the high
glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the
energy for their journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,

“If I understand you correctly, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in
sugar, in semen?”

“That’s correct”, responded the professor, going onto to add
statistical info. Raising her hand again, she asked,

“Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized
exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied),
she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the
class, never to return.

However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s
reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her
question.

“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness
are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.
Have a good day!”

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat, cradle it in left arm as if holding a baby, position forfinger and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while holding pill in right hand, as cat opens mouth pop pill in mouth, allow to close mouth and swallow...
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa, cradle cat and repeat process...
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away...
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat holding rear paws tightly with left hand, force jaws open and push pills to back of mouth with right forfinger, hold mouth shut and count to ten...
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call in spouse...
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged between knees, hold front paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat, get spouse to hold head with one hand while forcing wooden ruler in mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat...
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil pack, make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figureines and vases from hearth and set to one side...
8. Wrap cat in a towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit, put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw...
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away, apply plaster to spouses forarm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap...
10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed, get another pill, place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing, force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band...
11. fetch screwdriver from garage and put wardrobe door back on hinges, apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus jab, throw t-shirt away and get new one...
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road, apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat, take last pill...
13. Tie cats front paws to back paws with heavy duty garden twine and bind tightly to dinning table leg, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak, hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down...
14. Get spouse to drive you to accident and emergency, sit quietly while doctor stiches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye, call at furniture shop on way home and order new table...
15. Arrange for R.S.P.C.A. to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters...

How to give a dog a pill
1. Wrap it in bacon...

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "powerwash" and "rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The Dog

Not started yet. It will be zoigg.com, apparently.

One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair....... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate",

"But......" stammers the driver.

"Du it now...or I'll bluddy kill yer!"

So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl, this doesn't take him long.

"Right" snarls the highlander "Du it again!"

"But....." says the driver.

"Now!"

So the driver does it again.

"Right laddie, du it again" demands the highlander.

This goes on for an hour. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again" says the highlander.

"I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me", whimpers the man.

The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie," he says, "NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness".

Returned Mail

Can you believe it?

They sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, "Do you have any dependants?"

I replied -

"2.1 million illegal immigrants,

1.1 million crack heads,

4.4 million unemployable people,

901 thousand people in over 85 prisons,

and 650 idiots in Parliament.

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the hell did I miss?

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what youv'e got and 50% what people think you've got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night ;Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery...unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she's tired or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. "This won't hurt, I promise,"

A will is a dead giveaway.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
Editing is a re-wording activity.
Air pollution is a mist-demeanor.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A calendar's days are numbered.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
The trapeze artist was suspended.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Dijon vu is the same mustard as before.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
The earthquake theory is on shaky ground.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.When two egotists meet, it is an I for an I.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
When the smog lifts in Los Angles, U. C. L. A.
Transvestites like to eat, drink and be Mary.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man got a mistress to break the monogamy.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is a form of floor-play.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Running with a laptop computer may jog your memory.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
The guy whose whole left side was cut off is all right now.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger; then it hit me.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
We never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
The math professor went crazy and did a number on the blackboard.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New York City . The cabbie says,

"Perfect timing, you're just like Brian. "

Passenger:

"Who?"

Cabbie:

"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger:

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie:

"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano . He was an amazing guy."

Passenger:

"Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie:

"There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."

Passenger:

"Wow... Some guy that Brian."

Cabbie:

He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger:

"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie:

"Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fuckin' widow."

The doctor said,

"Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought,

"That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

"I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,

"Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed,

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said,

"Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said,

"Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised,

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,

"How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said,

"Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said,

"Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished,

"That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,

"Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said,

"Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed.

"Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head,

"You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Your wife/girlfriend/significant other will tell you if you get ANY of them wrong.......if they are still with you and/or you are still breathing. lol.

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don’t miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play..
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I’m not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Sir Cliff RIchard is performing in Japan on the last leg of a successful tour. The audience go wild as Cliff asks them if there is anything he can sing especially for them.

"Tits and fanny!" scream the audience.

"I can't sing that" says Cliff. "I'm a devout christian".

"Tits and fanny!" scream the crowd.

"Oh come on"says Cliff .

"Tits and fanny!" scream the crowd.

"Okay, okay, says Cliff. "But I don't know how it goes"

"Tits and fanny"......sing the crowd in unison ......"how we don't talk any more".

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
Chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish
Were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering"
And five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel drive truck
Because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven different last
Names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, heah"?

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest,

"I'm pregnant."

He asked,

"How did this happen, my child?"

She said,

"I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked,

"What makes you think it's the second coming?"

She replied,

"Because I swallowed the first one..."

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the f*ck do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f**kin' cat at home!!!

There is nothing racial about the term "Bull".

It, generally, refers to the Alpha male on a cuckold relationship/role play.

A bull can be of any colour, or race, and does not need to be better endowed than the cuckold/sissy, but usually is.

In the Republic Of Ireland, if two people under the age of 16 attempt to have sexual intercourse and fail, they can be prosecuted. If they succeed they can't.

In the quiet town of Connorsville, Wisconsin, it's illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.

It's against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex.

In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown- if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job- for men only- called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait proximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio- a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

In Virginia, you can't have sex during the daytime, with a light on, or with socks on.

In Rohnert Park, California, it is illegal for a women to have sex with a cow, but it is legal for a couple to have a threesome including the cow.

In Oklahoma, it is illegal to have oral sex.

In Bedford County, VA it is illegal to have dancing & alcohol together. None of the local bars have a dance floor. (NB: In the South dancing is often considered to be a sex act.)

In Minnesota it is illegal to sleep in the nude. (And, as in too many other places, it also illegal to engage in oral sex.)

I was banging this nice lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said,

“It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”


Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

The Mrs. asked me one day,

“When you’re on a “guys only” trip away, do you ever think about me?”

Apparently,

“Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now and she's picked up a few tricks...

I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her kinky underwear. She said,

"Abracadabra!"

and my best mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark bollock naked.

Poor bastard must've wondered what was going on...

I was chatting to a girl in a club. She whispered,

"Do you fancy coming back to mine, I've got a fanny the size of a Polo!"

I said,

"Oh yes."

When we got back to her place I pulled down her knickers and gasped.

She said,

"Surprised?"

I said,

"Totally, I thought you meant the mint not the fucking hatchback..."

Me and I enjoyed it.